finding my way
September 18, 2007
married a bull-frog.
hoping he’d become a prince.
So she planted a kiss
on his future highness,
but the poor frog morphed into a blintz!
For most of my adult life I’ve dreamt about writing and illustrating a children’s book. I suppose in addition to making 7-10 year olds giggle, my goal has been also to create something visually interesting, maybe even beautiful, on my own terms (as much as possible). I’ve become so very tired of the type of creativity that is, in fact, not so very creative. I spend most of my waking hours coming up with ways to help sell someone else’s gadgets, services or bull poop. Ah, such is advertising.
So last year, I finally caught on fire. I started writing some little nursery rhymes and silly poems, and roughed out whimsical, fun pencil sketches to go with each poem. Pretty soon, it started looking like I actually had a pretty solid start of a children’s book.
But as luck would have it as soon as I got to the crucial part, the part where I actually had to create finished illustrations, I choked. I kid myself that I can’t decide on what media to use. I try pastel, I try watercolor and pastel, also vector versions in Adobe Illustrator. Although there are those who will give very positive feedback and encouragement, I am just never satisfied. I continue my quest for just the right watercolor, or charcoal paper, paints or brushes. I agonize over my technique. I cry over what a hack I am and who do I think I am anyway. I blame it all on not having enough time because of taking on a full-time job this past year. And perhaps some or all of this is legitimate concern. But I’ve only recently realized that I have been sabotaging myself. Why? I’m not sure.
So I took a look at some of the drawings I’d started and discarded and thought to myself, these aren’t half bad. So maybe I am farther along than I think. I just need to give myself a break. Try not to get so bogged down in all my low self esteem issues and just leave myself more open to the creative process. Let it flow more.
This blogging business, although I am a complete newb, is giving me such a shot in the arm. Even my timid attempts at self expression through this media have opened up some chakra. Blogging this past week has made me feel accountable and keeps my hand in it. I feel inspired again!